I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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