Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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