New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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