I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
