Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
