I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
