he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize