I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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