the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
