he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
