What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I did not marry a roomba.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
