it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
