I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
