did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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