I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
