I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
