So drunk, too bad you don't want this
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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