Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
