My first STD was from a foam party
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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