Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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