Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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