I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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