my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
