You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
