I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize