Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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