Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
