Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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