last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
