I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Im part way to drunk.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Randomize
