I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
