in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
