I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
