im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
