Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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