Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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