Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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