his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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