Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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