Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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