You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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