I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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