I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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