My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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