You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
