My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
