yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
