I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
