glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
