i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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