Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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