I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
