talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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