Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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