I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
