I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
